Hi, Alpha! It's been six days since this was posted and I hope this isn't coming too late.
Let me start by saying that this is an interesting way to talk about change. It has whetted my appetite, and I hope I'll get to read the rest of the work.
The first paragraph was pregnant, and she delivered. The play on words, the ode to Chinelo's book, and the arrangement in general. However, what endeared me most in that paragraph was the last line, '...a creature more desirable to itself.'
The second paragraph is interesting. It makes me want to know how the author resolves this longing for wanting to be new and improved at the snap of a finger because somehow I know that real life doesn't work like that or does it?
All of these are so say, I love this opening to a short story and I'm not sure I would change a thing.
Thank you for reading. No, it is not too late. Thank you for the feedback. Yeah, change is not easy, right? Even the snake doesn't take it that easy when it goes through this process.
Lemme quote a part from another section of the story.
“What I didn't anticipate was that it wasn't going to be as pain-free as I imagined it. Did snakes have to go through any form of pain while they shed their skin? I wondered. Then I searched it up. According to Google, they did. Before shedding, snakes often experience some irritation as their old skin loosens from their body. This process may involve some tightness or discomfort, especially around the head, eyes, and joints. They might rub against objects, rocks, or vegetation to help loosen the old skin. It made sense to me then as I was also in need of rocks, vegetation, anything to help loosen this old skin.”
Hi Boakye. This is fun and deep and well-worded, and you’ve such a good instinct for varying sentence-length. The second sentences of each paragraph, for instance, are long ones, and if you’d followed those with other long thoughts, you’d have lost me. But you follow up with punchy, shorter sentences, creating a perfect rhythm for a short story. BTW, a standout is the sentence beginning “Much like a sock…”, which stopped me--in a good way! In short, yes, I am hooked. (I’m curious about the “Udal tree” comment, though. Are you referring to the book by Okparanta? Hopefully this will become clear as the story goes on.)
And about the “Udala tree”, yes it is, what I think, a smart play on words with that book title as this piece is definitely about the MC’s sexuality, acceptance and coming out. So while the comment is an image of a snake under the tree shedding its skin, it is also a planted tribute (an easter egg) to the book. You have a sharp literary eye to notice that lol.
Hi Alpha. I think the opening is quite good, though it takes me a second read to get it (probably my own fault though). Anyways, I think it’s good and the second paragraph provides a great perspective on the first.
Alpha, You don't make it easy to criticize you work lol.I like the fact that you've taken something that almost everyone that checks into a new year seems to want and written it this way. The second paragraph I really love especially the part with insecurities, toxicity etc. I would love if the first paragraph could be pruned. All the same it's a great opening and I can't wait to see where the story leads us to.
Hi, Alpha! It's been six days since this was posted and I hope this isn't coming too late.
Let me start by saying that this is an interesting way to talk about change. It has whetted my appetite, and I hope I'll get to read the rest of the work.
The first paragraph was pregnant, and she delivered. The play on words, the ode to Chinelo's book, and the arrangement in general. However, what endeared me most in that paragraph was the last line, '...a creature more desirable to itself.'
The second paragraph is interesting. It makes me want to know how the author resolves this longing for wanting to be new and improved at the snap of a finger because somehow I know that real life doesn't work like that or does it?
All of these are so say, I love this opening to a short story and I'm not sure I would change a thing.
Thank you for reading. No, it is not too late. Thank you for the feedback. Yeah, change is not easy, right? Even the snake doesn't take it that easy when it goes through this process.
Lemme quote a part from another section of the story.
“What I didn't anticipate was that it wasn't going to be as pain-free as I imagined it. Did snakes have to go through any form of pain while they shed their skin? I wondered. Then I searched it up. According to Google, they did. Before shedding, snakes often experience some irritation as their old skin loosens from their body. This process may involve some tightness or discomfort, especially around the head, eyes, and joints. They might rub against objects, rocks, or vegetation to help loosen the old skin. It made sense to me then as I was also in need of rocks, vegetation, anything to help loosen this old skin.”
Hi Boakye. This is fun and deep and well-worded, and you’ve such a good instinct for varying sentence-length. The second sentences of each paragraph, for instance, are long ones, and if you’d followed those with other long thoughts, you’d have lost me. But you follow up with punchy, shorter sentences, creating a perfect rhythm for a short story. BTW, a standout is the sentence beginning “Much like a sock…”, which stopped me--in a good way! In short, yes, I am hooked. (I’m curious about the “Udal tree” comment, though. Are you referring to the book by Okparanta? Hopefully this will become clear as the story goes on.)
And about the “Udala tree”, yes it is, what I think, a smart play on words with that book title as this piece is definitely about the MC’s sexuality, acceptance and coming out. So while the comment is an image of a snake under the tree shedding its skin, it is also a planted tribute (an easter egg) to the book. You have a sharp literary eye to notice that lol.
Heyy, Craig. Thank you so much for responding to this post and for the critique. I really appreciate it!
Hi Alpha. I think the opening is quite good, though it takes me a second read to get it (probably my own fault though). Anyways, I think it’s good and the second paragraph provides a great perspective on the first.
Alpha, You don't make it easy to criticize you work lol.I like the fact that you've taken something that almost everyone that checks into a new year seems to want and written it this way. The second paragraph I really love especially the part with insecurities, toxicity etc. I would love if the first paragraph could be pruned. All the same it's a great opening and I can't wait to see where the story leads us to.