Does This Opening Hook You? Critique The Opening of My New Short Story! ✨🖤
A New Story Begins... And So Does Your Role as a Critic!
Hey Guys!
So, I’ve been working on this new short story, and I think the opening might either hook you completely or have you shaking your head. Honestly, I’m too deep in it to tell! That’s where you come in.
Check out the first paragraph below and let me know—does it pull you in, or is it missing something? Be honest (but, you know, constructive).
I can’t wait to hear what you think!
Title: An Ode to My Ecdysis
I always thought of the end of the year as a time to grow new skin. Like how a snake, not in want of its old skin, a skin not in vogue (an off-season fashion), would lay wake under the Udala tree, the roars of the afternoon sun in full blossom, and rid itself of old skin—a shiny new one reeling out in its place. Then it gets to walk away from the old and never look back. There, it gets to be born anew, a creature more desirable to itself. I always imagine this very performance when I hear “New Year, New Me." I too see myself in the wake of a lonely night, by the sea, a glistening moonlight as my only audience, the howling of the wind against the tide—a much-needed orchestra—as I go from head to toe—bit by bit, layer after layer, peeling off my skin. Much like a sock being turned inside out, my skin would come off in a single piece, freeing myself of the rot of the year. The insecurities. The pain. The anguish, the toxicity. The mask worn in lies, my true self concealed to appease society. The fake smiles and makeup modelled to conceal tear trails. Then, as the clock struck 11:59 on the 31st of December, just as the curtain dropped for the new year, I would emerge, glowing with new skin, a new-new being. New year, new me.
Thanks for taking the time to read and share your thoughts—it means so much to me! Your feedback helps shape my stories, and I love having you along for the ride.
Leave a comment to let me know what you think. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I am taking notes.
Hi, Alpha! It's been six days since this was posted and I hope this isn't coming too late.
Let me start by saying that this is an interesting way to talk about change. It has whetted my appetite, and I hope I'll get to read the rest of the work.
The first paragraph was pregnant, and she delivered. The play on words, the ode to Chinelo's book, and the arrangement in general. However, what endeared me most in that paragraph was the last line, '...a creature more desirable to itself.'
The second paragraph is interesting. It makes me want to know how the author resolves this longing for wanting to be new and improved at the snap of a finger because somehow I know that real life doesn't work like that or does it?
All of these are so say, I love this opening to a short story and I'm not sure I would change a thing.
Hi Boakye. This is fun and deep and well-worded, and you’ve such a good instinct for varying sentence-length. The second sentences of each paragraph, for instance, are long ones, and if you’d followed those with other long thoughts, you’d have lost me. But you follow up with punchy, shorter sentences, creating a perfect rhythm for a short story. BTW, a standout is the sentence beginning “Much like a sock…”, which stopped me--in a good way! In short, yes, I am hooked. (I’m curious about the “Udal tree” comment, though. Are you referring to the book by Okparanta? Hopefully this will become clear as the story goes on.)