The description of the setting (aside from the paragraph relating the recent coup) is rather bland for a place as exotic to Americans as Accra. More local colors, odors, textures would help. The greeting in the local language was good. You gave a fuller description of a briefcase than of the protagonist. The description of the briefcase is good but might be improved. Tell us about the protagonist. What are the symptoms of the paranoia in the air? Are soldiers with assault rifles in the streets? If you are not going to develop a character such as the bartender, don't bother to name the character. Of course in this short excerpt you have not had time to develop her character but you might at least give her an adjective (e.g. "wearily indifferent") as a hint that she may be developed later.
Jim, thank you for the feedback. I will develop more of your suggestions into the next draft. Really helpful! Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.
I'm not sure if he deleted the local greeting you mentioned—I couldn’t find it. That said, using local language elements (code-switching) feels a bit dated and overused at this point. Our group is currently scouting for African authors who can craft stories in standard English while still maintaining a strong sense of cultural authenticity. Some of the academic analysts in our team are looking to cite such novels in their papers as part of a push to give African literature a fresh, innovative edge. For too long, African writers have followed rigid conventions—it’s time for a more liberated approach. Peace.
"It is one of the nights with no curfews. People want to enjoy it. With the airtight cutthroat paranoia in the air, after the coup d'état by Jerry John Rawlings, life in Accra has been different. You never know what comes next."
despite everything that came before this felt like the actual essence of the story—waht made it seem like a story that would matter, give the reader something to look forward to. in my head it'd do better as the first part of the story.
I love this comment so much because I never thought of this way, but after reading your comment, it makes sense. If I open with that, then it would make sense to follow the character from the entrance through the bar without losing interest, asking yourself, 'what is this about?'
i know sometimes tutoring doesn't speak much but adjei-brenyah has this post on line level for opening statements. it could be an interesting read/help for what you might want to achieve.
To my eye your grammar and diction are perfect. A difficulty for writers in our troubled time is that Artificial Intelligence can mimick perfect grammar and diction. A writer must strive to create prose that Artificial Intelligence cannot match in its human touch. I do not imply that you had Artificial Intelligence write or polish the opening that you wrote. Not at all. Good luck with your story.
Thank you. I do not think you imply that either. I have lived all my life writing, did my undergraduate degree in English, mostly English grammar and literature, and am currently in an MA Creative Writing program, so I am sure if you did, I wouldn't be much affected by it.
This is a first draft, and I put it out here because I felt something was off about it, even to the extent that I have abandoned it for a while.
So, yes, mostly, I don't have grammar or diction problems, but that is not what makes a story, right? Hence, this step. That is why I appreciate your comments.
I think the description's great but what actually happens? He makes his way to the bar. That's it. I need to know what he wants to be pulled in. Maybe give us some hint of that. How he's feeling. what's at stake. you said it's a thriller. Make it feel like one.
Hi, Janice! Thank you for this insightful feedback. I initially didn't think that, since it is the opening, much has to be revealed, because after he gets from the bar to his seat, we get to know why he is here, to write a piece about the government he has discovered. The bar is his favourite writing place as a journalist.
But I see what you mean. I will work on it and add more of that. Thank you for reading!
One often hears "Never let somebody else tell you how to write or what to write." I do not wish to rain on your parade or to belittle your M.A. program. David Foster Wallace, who taught creative writing, believed that courses such as his harm aspiring writers. I do not have a link to a video in which he said this, and I do not know how to judge the statement's accuracy. His statement may have been prompted by the depression that killed him. O. Henry wrote while drunk or hung over. Jack Kerouac took amphetamine and speed-typed his novels. Balzac drank pots of black coffee. Mark Twain chain-smoked cigars. With only three years of unpaid amateurish writing behind me, I am unfit to give the advice that an editor can. The only way to get such advice is to submit writing for publication and hope that you catch the eye of an editor that can help you to get your work published. In the meantime stay in your teachers' good graces. They can help you to stay in education as either a perpetual student or as a teacher yourself. Don't fall into the youthful fantasy of writing immortal prose while working as a dishwasher on a tramp steamer as Kerouac did.
You asked: 1. What do you think? I need to know Abeiku’s mission in that bar, why he is going to the bar today. Just for fun? Is he a regular?
You asked: 2. Does it pull you in? Not yet. What normally pulls me and members of African Literature Academispher in: for authors, it includes a smooth, easy style, the motive for the scene, reasons for them to start guessing what might happen, and what the character looks like. For academic analysts, they want something they can write a research paper on: a story’s unique style, e.g. whether it transliterates local greetings/words or it decides to simply do the dialogue in English while still letting the reader know they did not speak English.These academic analysts also look for themes. They also look for whether you conform to Chinua Achebe’s philosophy (the Africanisation of English, code-switching) or whether you are your own innovative person.
At the end of the day, are we reading your story because we really enjoy it, or just because of the moral obligation to support African writers? For me, I have done both, but when I want to really Enjoy a novel it always happens that it is a Western novel I pick, probably because novel-writing is their artform, something they have developed for centuries.Well, let me stop ranting 🙂
You asked: 3. Would you read on? Yes, I would read on because of my curiosity about this new wave of African authors who defy conservative definitions of African literature and delve into thriller writing.
You asked: 4. What do you want more or less of? I want less big words, more dialogue and banter. I know there is tension as African authors are expected to use the local language for characters’ conversation, and hence you are not allowed to develop deep, funny banter unless you do it in English, or else nobody would understand.Someone in our group is already writing a research paper about this issue - this policing - and we hope that Western and African publishers will read the paper when it is published. But you as an author of African thrillers must find a balance, in your own style. It is your novel.
The description of the setting (aside from the paragraph relating the recent coup) is rather bland for a place as exotic to Americans as Accra. More local colors, odors, textures would help. The greeting in the local language was good. You gave a fuller description of a briefcase than of the protagonist. The description of the briefcase is good but might be improved. Tell us about the protagonist. What are the symptoms of the paranoia in the air? Are soldiers with assault rifles in the streets? If you are not going to develop a character such as the bartender, don't bother to name the character. Of course in this short excerpt you have not had time to develop her character but you might at least give her an adjective (e.g. "wearily indifferent") as a hint that she may be developed later.
Jim, thank you for the feedback. I will develop more of your suggestions into the next draft. Really helpful! Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.
I'm not sure if he deleted the local greeting you mentioned—I couldn’t find it. That said, using local language elements (code-switching) feels a bit dated and overused at this point. Our group is currently scouting for African authors who can craft stories in standard English while still maintaining a strong sense of cultural authenticity. Some of the academic analysts in our team are looking to cite such novels in their papers as part of a push to give African literature a fresh, innovative edge. For too long, African writers have followed rigid conventions—it’s time for a more liberated approach. Peace.
"It is one of the nights with no curfews. People want to enjoy it. With the airtight cutthroat paranoia in the air, after the coup d'état by Jerry John Rawlings, life in Accra has been different. You never know what comes next."
despite everything that came before this felt like the actual essence of the story—waht made it seem like a story that would matter, give the reader something to look forward to. in my head it'd do better as the first part of the story.
I love this comment so much because I never thought of this way, but after reading your comment, it makes sense. If I open with that, then it would make sense to follow the character from the entrance through the bar without losing interest, asking yourself, 'what is this about?'
yeah probably
i know sometimes tutoring doesn't speak much but adjei-brenyah has this post on line level for opening statements. it could be an interesting read/help for what you might want to achieve.
To my eye your grammar and diction are perfect. A difficulty for writers in our troubled time is that Artificial Intelligence can mimick perfect grammar and diction. A writer must strive to create prose that Artificial Intelligence cannot match in its human touch. I do not imply that you had Artificial Intelligence write or polish the opening that you wrote. Not at all. Good luck with your story.
Thank you. I do not think you imply that either. I have lived all my life writing, did my undergraduate degree in English, mostly English grammar and literature, and am currently in an MA Creative Writing program, so I am sure if you did, I wouldn't be much affected by it.
This is a first draft, and I put it out here because I felt something was off about it, even to the extent that I have abandoned it for a while.
So, yes, mostly, I don't have grammar or diction problems, but that is not what makes a story, right? Hence, this step. That is why I appreciate your comments.
I think the description's great but what actually happens? He makes his way to the bar. That's it. I need to know what he wants to be pulled in. Maybe give us some hint of that. How he's feeling. what's at stake. you said it's a thriller. Make it feel like one.
Hi, Janice! Thank you for this insightful feedback. I initially didn't think that, since it is the opening, much has to be revealed, because after he gets from the bar to his seat, we get to know why he is here, to write a piece about the government he has discovered. The bar is his favourite writing place as a journalist.
But I see what you mean. I will work on it and add more of that. Thank you for reading!
One often hears "Never let somebody else tell you how to write or what to write." I do not wish to rain on your parade or to belittle your M.A. program. David Foster Wallace, who taught creative writing, believed that courses such as his harm aspiring writers. I do not have a link to a video in which he said this, and I do not know how to judge the statement's accuracy. His statement may have been prompted by the depression that killed him. O. Henry wrote while drunk or hung over. Jack Kerouac took amphetamine and speed-typed his novels. Balzac drank pots of black coffee. Mark Twain chain-smoked cigars. With only three years of unpaid amateurish writing behind me, I am unfit to give the advice that an editor can. The only way to get such advice is to submit writing for publication and hope that you catch the eye of an editor that can help you to get your work published. In the meantime stay in your teachers' good graces. They can help you to stay in education as either a perpetual student or as a teacher yourself. Don't fall into the youthful fantasy of writing immortal prose while working as a dishwasher on a tramp steamer as Kerouac did.
You asked: 1. What do you think? I need to know Abeiku’s mission in that bar, why he is going to the bar today. Just for fun? Is he a regular?
You asked: 2. Does it pull you in? Not yet. What normally pulls me and members of African Literature Academispher in: for authors, it includes a smooth, easy style, the motive for the scene, reasons for them to start guessing what might happen, and what the character looks like. For academic analysts, they want something they can write a research paper on: a story’s unique style, e.g. whether it transliterates local greetings/words or it decides to simply do the dialogue in English while still letting the reader know they did not speak English.These academic analysts also look for themes. They also look for whether you conform to Chinua Achebe’s philosophy (the Africanisation of English, code-switching) or whether you are your own innovative person.
At the end of the day, are we reading your story because we really enjoy it, or just because of the moral obligation to support African writers? For me, I have done both, but when I want to really Enjoy a novel it always happens that it is a Western novel I pick, probably because novel-writing is their artform, something they have developed for centuries.Well, let me stop ranting 🙂
You asked: 3. Would you read on? Yes, I would read on because of my curiosity about this new wave of African authors who defy conservative definitions of African literature and delve into thriller writing.
You asked: 4. What do you want more or less of? I want less big words, more dialogue and banter. I know there is tension as African authors are expected to use the local language for characters’ conversation, and hence you are not allowed to develop deep, funny banter unless you do it in English, or else nobody would understand.Someone in our group is already writing a research paper about this issue - this policing - and we hope that Western and African publishers will read the paper when it is published. But you as an author of African thrillers must find a balance, in your own style. It is your novel.